Heart Surrender

People say to dream big, God-sized dreams, but what if you've only ever had one dream?

Sure, I've thought up other dreams and big plans and potential realities, because I am a creative person and have to do something with my life.  But in the end, I've only ever wanted to be a mom.

When I was little, other girls played parties and weddings with their dolls.  No such frivolities for my dolls until their school was done!  I was a homeschooling mom, and I do believe my dolls complained almost as much as my brothers and I did when it came to schoolwork.

Your heart can break for what it does not have, and mine breaks again and again to be what seems most unlikely.  I am comforted that I am not the first, nor the last, to desire this God-gift of mothering, yet to feel the whip of a fallen world in which mother-women never hold their own children.  Should I be sorry to have the heart of Eve, mother of all mankind?  I am, after all, her daughter.  I know that the Lord's heart is with the barren woman, and the desolate one.  I know that this heart for mothering is His own heart.

"Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; 
Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed; 
For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous than the sons of the married woman," says the LORD.
~Isaiah 54:1

Yet now, as I plan my future after college graduation, my prayer is consistent and urgent:  If this dream is not in Your will, please take it from me!

I pray this often, because I need to focus on my present and too often the ache hurts to much to ignore.  I pray it hard, because I am not above begging for the pain to be removed.  Still, though it is hard to surrender a deep dream, it is even harder to surrender the surrendering.  Only Your will, I whisper into His comfort.  God is near to the brokenhearted, and I ask Him to be near, so if He chooses to let me break the rest of my life for something I will never have, who am I to object?  To always be in His presence, because I am always needing His presence~how do I refuse this?

Still I ask, and still I beg, but always my heart is full of wanting His will for me.  Not just His will for my life, but His will for my heart.