One Year Ago

I walked out of the sanctuary and Wendy reached out for me.  I burst into tears, overcome by so many emotions at once, not knowing what to think or feel.  The woman who had spoken to us about freedom seemed to fly down the church length to fold me up and speak directly to my heart.
"That was one of the most beautiful, open, vulnerable, stirring testimonies I have ever been privileged to witness." Her hands cupped my tear stained face firmly and she looked boldly into my eyes, daring lies to try to take me now.
"You are a beautiful picture of redemption," she told me, into my years of aching heart, "you take one of my cards and stay in touch with me."  I had a ministry and a gift of communication that God was going to use, she said, as the tears would come and I didn't even try to stop the sobbing.  There was a freedom in not holding myself in.  This woman I respected held me close and prayed for me and spoke the dark away and I could not speak because my heart was too full and my voice could not be found after its loud confessed proclamation.

It has been a year since I stood in front of a church of women and told them the truth I had concealed so well all my life.  People knew before that I was a sinner, but I had to tell them just how much of a sinner stood in their midst, opening her heart and giving them a target for their arrows of judgment and hostility.  But grace always surprises me.  My smallness was made big and I heard chains breaking and felt lives shaking and not only was I blessed to witness the changes, but I was overwhelmingly blessed to be part of their freedom stories.

All those years of deep pain and inability to feel closeness--and fear, always fear, of people knowing me.  Suddenly all of it took on meaning I could never have dreamed.

And all this time later I ask God why the heartache and hurt of the now, and He reminds me of His past works and even my sin is sovereignly declared from the beginning.  So much changes, always changes, but He is the same.  Into His sameness of reality I will walk, ever closer to a Truth more true even than myself.  I take those deliberate steps through trembling, and He always knows what He has prepared for me.