Heart Surrender

People say to dream big, God-sized dreams, but what if you've only ever had one dream?

Sure, I've thought up other dreams and big plans and potential realities, because I am a creative person and have to do something with my life.  But in the end, I've only ever wanted to be a mom.

When I was little, other girls played parties and weddings with their dolls.  No such frivolities for my dolls until their school was done!  I was a homeschooling mom, and I do believe my dolls complained almost as much as my brothers and I did when it came to schoolwork.

Your heart can break for what it does not have, and mine breaks again and again to be what seems most unlikely.  I am comforted that I am not the first, nor the last, to desire this God-gift of mothering, yet to feel the whip of a fallen world in which mother-women never hold their own children.  Should I be sorry to have the heart of Eve, mother of all mankind?  I am, after all, her daughter.  I know that the Lord's heart is with the barren woman, and the desolate one.  I know that this heart for mothering is His own heart.

"Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; 
Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not travailed; 
For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous than the sons of the married woman," says the LORD.
~Isaiah 54:1

Yet now, as I plan my future after college graduation, my prayer is consistent and urgent:  If this dream is not in Your will, please take it from me!

I pray this often, because I need to focus on my present and too often the ache hurts to much to ignore.  I pray it hard, because I am not above begging for the pain to be removed.  Still, though it is hard to surrender a deep dream, it is even harder to surrender the surrendering.  Only Your will, I whisper into His comfort.  God is near to the brokenhearted, and I ask Him to be near, so if He chooses to let me break the rest of my life for something I will never have, who am I to object?  To always be in His presence, because I am always needing His presence~how do I refuse this?

Still I ask, and still I beg, but always my heart is full of wanting His will for me.  Not just His will for my life, but His will for my heart.  

The Weak Made Strong

 I once read that people who are accustomed to learning quickly may fail to play the violin, because they are not used to having to work for something.  Conversely, people who have always had to work hard in school or life often learn the violin very well, because they have the patience and tirelessness to play until it starts sounding like it should.

It seems to me that much the same kind of thing happens with courage.  One who is naturally fearless does not know how to be brave when the time comes, and one who is naturally fearful knows how to overcome the fear when the time comes.  I know, because fear has always been my life, and it has made me brave.  

In the same way, people who are always comfortable may not know how to react when they are no longer comfortable, but if every zone is out of their comfort zone, there is nothing to fear in the uncomfortable, for it is normal.  When I am constantly fighting insecurity, I am constantly exercising my understanding of Truth and using the Word of God to fence lies.  My weak insecurity therefore makes me, in many ways, more strong than those naturally secure.  My strength is only perfected in weakness, because I am too weak to be strong naturally.  My security must be fought for with tooth and nail until I stand against the lies of the Enemy with dreaded fierce joy--for joy has to be fierce to stand firm.

"When I am weak, then I am strong," says Paul, placing an oft quoted Christian enigma in front of me.  My infallibly weak self nods in agreement.  Gratitude for my weakness is gratitude for His strength.  Acknowledgement of my failure is praise to His glory alone.  

Insecurity has always been part of my life, as much as fear, as much as failure.  Thank Jesus for it, for if I was secure, and fearless, and practically perfect, I would not be as strong as I am.  

Fighting for Security

Ever since I was very young, and believed with my whole heart that I had to make up for the decrepit sin in me by being holier than other little girls, I have been a terrifically insecure human.  

Ever since I made plans to be a spinsterly aunt to my brothers' children, because I had no reason to believe a man would ever want me, I have been a terrifically insecure human.

Ever since I was seven years old and formed in my mind the theory, confirmed again and again, that people were only around me to be nice, and not out of any real interest in me as a friend, I have been a terrifically insecure person. 

Once I was taught that you battle lies with truth.  But I was taught to fight with squishy truth and a lowercase "t."  Combat, "I will never be married," with, "Someday my prince will come."  Fight, "people are only around you to be nice, and not out of any wish to be your friend," with the nicer and more pleasing, "People love you and want to be around you."  When I wondered whether a certain person was tired of me and no longer wished to be part of my life, I tried to fight the "lies" by making excuses for the other person and justifying their decisions.  It only took my entire life, but in the past few months, I have finally learned the better way to fight insecurities.  

Thanks be to God, my body seems to reject lies.  Last fall I found myself so beset by insecurity and trying so hard with these cheap bandage words to fix my heart, that I lost close to ten pounds and spent a great deal of my time nauseous, or in bed with debilitating migraines.

To heck with that.  Sometimes people don't love you, and sometimes what you wish for is not what God wishes for you.  Who is the Lord?  Maybe that Disney prince will never come.  The Lord is good.  Maybe those children you love so much in your mind will only ever be in your mind.  His mercy endures forever.  Maybe the family you love so much will fall apart.  His will be done.  Maybe that person really is tired of you and finds you lacking.  The Lord is near.

Who is the Lord?  There is my hope and my security.  When I look every day to Who the Lord is, my insecurities and fear of others mean less.  I felt inferior to an entire church body, until the Truth of Who God is meant more than human thoughts of my worth.  I saw people in January whom I feared, and in May, looking at Who God is, I see my joy full because of His presence, and people-judgment doesn't scare me anymore.  
Jesus knows me intimately.  He loves me intimately.  Who fears human judgment when the Lord declares Truth and you hear it?  He reigns forever, and I am but a breath, to pass away in the next moment.  

Whom do I serve?  "One God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible...."  (The Nicene Creed)

The fight goes on in my heart, and some days I am not victorious.  But I still serve the Victor, and that Truth must be enough for every day.