Fighting for Security

Ever since I was very young, and believed with my whole heart that I had to make up for the decrepit sin in me by being holier than other little girls, I have been a terrifically insecure human.  

Ever since I made plans to be a spinsterly aunt to my brothers' children, because I had no reason to believe a man would ever want me, I have been a terrifically insecure human.

Ever since I was seven years old and formed in my mind the theory, confirmed again and again, that people were only around me to be nice, and not out of any real interest in me as a friend, I have been a terrifically insecure person. 

Once I was taught that you battle lies with truth.  But I was taught to fight with squishy truth and a lowercase "t."  Combat, "I will never be married," with, "Someday my prince will come."  Fight, "people are only around you to be nice, and not out of any wish to be your friend," with the nicer and more pleasing, "People love you and want to be around you."  When I wondered whether a certain person was tired of me and no longer wished to be part of my life, I tried to fight the "lies" by making excuses for the other person and justifying their decisions.  It only took my entire life, but in the past few months, I have finally learned the better way to fight insecurities.  

Thanks be to God, my body seems to reject lies.  Last fall I found myself so beset by insecurity and trying so hard with these cheap bandage words to fix my heart, that I lost close to ten pounds and spent a great deal of my time nauseous, or in bed with debilitating migraines.

To heck with that.  Sometimes people don't love you, and sometimes what you wish for is not what God wishes for you.  Who is the Lord?  Maybe that Disney prince will never come.  The Lord is good.  Maybe those children you love so much in your mind will only ever be in your mind.  His mercy endures forever.  Maybe the family you love so much will fall apart.  His will be done.  Maybe that person really is tired of you and finds you lacking.  The Lord is near.

Who is the Lord?  There is my hope and my security.  When I look every day to Who the Lord is, my insecurities and fear of others mean less.  I felt inferior to an entire church body, until the Truth of Who God is meant more than human thoughts of my worth.  I saw people in January whom I feared, and in May, looking at Who God is, I see my joy full because of His presence, and people-judgment doesn't scare me anymore.  
Jesus knows me intimately.  He loves me intimately.  Who fears human judgment when the Lord declares Truth and you hear it?  He reigns forever, and I am but a breath, to pass away in the next moment.  

Whom do I serve?  "One God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible...."  (The Nicene Creed)

The fight goes on in my heart, and some days I am not victorious.  But I still serve the Victor, and that Truth must be enough for every day.